Beautifully BrokenCHRONICALLY FABULOUS & BEAUTIFULLY BROKEN Beautifully broken like shattered mosaic tiles. My outside scars will show you that, but there are even more scars that you can’t see. I’ll admit there are many times when I struggle the most with trying to be in control of it all. I have to continually ask God to forgive me because I find myself investigating my illnesses, demanding answers and being disappointed, more than I spend time praying. Being mindful and focused is my job. I should seek Him first with much more faith than I want answers for, and that is what I’m commanded to do. I am commanded to have complete faith in Him. When I do, it doesn’t mean things change, but it changes how I perceive them, and the peace it brings comforts me. Ephesians 6:10 ”Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power” I am chronically fabulous and beautifully broken. Most days I find that my faith is mediocre. Once in a while I’ll find my faith wonderfully restored and on those days I feel at peace with the cards I’ve been dealt. I cry a lot. If you ask most people if they know when was the last time they cried, they will say I don’t remember or it was months ago. If you ask me, I’ll tell you, it was last night while I was taking a hot bath; my alone time. I’m actually terrified. I’m scare because of all my health issue. I’m afraid I’ll die at any moment. I’m nervous at what the doctor will tell me my results from my autonomic testing. My appointment isn’t until December 10. Three doctors said the results were serious and severe but no one has explained it in more detail. I have these irrational fears. Nightmares consume me when I finally fall asleep. The nightmares are so vivid, even my therapist was somewhat distraught. These are the name of my scars: Chiari Malformation Intracranial Hypertension Ehlers Danlos Syndrome PTSD Chronic Pain Fibromyalgia Severe Anxiety & Panic Attacks Chronic Migraines Headaches EVERY Day Interstitial Cystitis Cardiovascular & Cardiovagal Sympathetic Failure Severe Autonomic Neuropathy 4 Brain Surgeries 12 Surgeries in 2 years time I’m just about to turn 50 but my body feels like it’s 90. It’s all so emotionally and physically exhausting. I feel like I’m trapped behind the glass wall of an aquarium. Life is hustling and bustling by but I’m stuck behind that glass under water. I can hear them talking but they can’t hear my cries. Will someone please break the glass and free my from this aquarium prison that is my world?
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