Am I afraid of living or not living? I don't even know the answer to that question today. I've been in my pajamas for days...I mean I did take a bath and put on new pjs but the fact of the matter is I stayed in some kind of pajamas. I enjoyed having my grandson stay over yesterday and last night. All we did was play a board game and watch movies. We did go out to collect eggs from the chickens and he ran around trying to catch one. I love his laugh. He read, or tried to read me a book and he laughed a lot. He brings such joy to my soul. He went home around 11 today and his mommy took him to the movies. I took a nap after he left and my hubby did some yard work. Eventually, around 2:30pm I got up and went outside (in my jammies, I do that a lot) to see what my hubby was up to. We have these pitiful looking planters infront of the chicken coop and I was telling him that we should get new plants for it. He, being his optimistic self, said 'If you get ready we can go pick out some plants'. My brain instantly thought 'Ugh! I don't want to get dressed and go anywhere'. I just told him 'Maybe'. I came and took a bath and cried and cried. When I say I'm going to take a bath, that's usually my 'I'm getting ready to ball my eyes out' signal. He doesn't know it though. No one does. Especially, if it's my third bath for the day. He knocks on the door in his excited voice 'Are you getting ready?!' I try my hardest to have a steady voice when I say back 'Yeah, I'm just taking a bath'. Anyway, I dried my eyes and got out of the tub, got dressed and put on some makeup to cover my red ugly crying face and forced a smile. I'm not a pretty crier. Lol. My husband gets so excited when I get out and go with him somewhere. I wish I could give that joy more often. He jokes and says 'What does it feel like to be riding in a mans truck?!' Haha. He has a big four wheel drive Dodge. He just wants to hear me laugh and see me smile. We were going to go to Lowes but ended up at Walmart due to the fact I needed to get a few groceries to make dinner. We pulled up to the garden center and as we were walking in the main outside garden center doors my left leg gives out and I kind of stumble. The guy working the door looks at me and laughs. He laughed!!! Did he think I was drunk? Why did he laugh at me? My hubby tries to make light of the situation and just says 'I saw you trying to dance'. I quickly get a cart to hold onto. I'm so afraid I'll fall. I know the day is coming and I'm scared. We picked out a few plants and went to the food section, which by the way, is at the complete opposite end of the store. As, I walked to the other side of the store I saw 3 women being pushed in wheelchairs and another woman driving one of those electric ones. I've never really noticed that many before. I mean, I've seen wheelchairs every time I go but today just seemed like a lot all in one section. I held back tears. It's my fear that I'll end up like that. I continue walking and holding on to my cart, all the while my leg keeps giving out. Yesterday I made a post of hope and seeing the bright side but today I'm, heck I don't know what I am. I get so angry lately. My moods suck. I'm mad, I'm sad, I'm scared and I'm confused. I do get afraid of living like this but then I get afraid what if I'm not living. My days of staying in my pajamas and hiding from the world is not living. My days of being afraid of ending up in a wheelchair or using a walker is not living. I've got to find my silver lining, my bright side. I'm tired of my life being interrupted by my chronic illness. I want to interrupt this illness. No matter what, I'm still Chronically Fabulous. |