The pain covers me like Saran Wrap, clinging to me and never letting go. You know, Saran Wrap is clear, but no one can actually see the depth of my pain. It's invisible to most.
The pain controls every aspect of my life. I try my best to hide it and just smile. I try to be the bubbly self I used to be, but it's exhausting. I'm not that person anymore. Life is passing me by because this pain is so controlling. I feel like I'm drowning. I'm suffocating. But, I still wake up everyday to this life of pain. I pray a lot. I pray that I'll have a day of tolerable pain and that it's not too severe. I pray I have a day that the screams don't come out. The screams just come, unconsciously, uncontrollably because the pain gets so bad. People are going on with their lives, their days, the hustle and bustle of world keeps going and I feel like I'm living in a tornado but everyone else is saying 'Come on, it's just a little breeze'. I want to scream at them and tell them it's more than a breeze. It's a huge storm on the horizon and I'm desperately seeking shelter from the pain. I want to rip off this Saran Wrap that's clinging to my body, my pain, clinging to my soul and suffocating the enjoyment from my life. I want to enjoy life again. Enjoying life, truly enjoying it, is a thing of the past. I miss my life. I miss who I was before the pain became so controlling. Heck, I'm a control freak. I love being in control but this pain is winning and I'm losing. It's slowly suffocating me. It's snuffing out my passions, my dreams, my inspirations. How do I release myself from these cards that have been dealt to me? How do I start winning again? Can we just call it a draw, a tie and start over? Can we start a new game called life? I feel like I'm being pulled under, like I have cement blocks on my feet. I'm trying desperately to maintain my level above the surface of stormy waters. Waves of pain crashing over me. The rip tides pulling me further out. I'm drowning in this sea of pain. I keep saying to myself, 'You just need to keep your head above water and you'll be ok'. Some days, treading water just isn't enough and I get pulled under. Can anyone hear my screams for help? I just need a doctor to be my hero. I have one doctor at UVA, that's helped me more than any other but when you have illnesses like mine, you need more than one hero. So, I guess I'll continue to tread water, with this Saran Wrap clinging to me for now and fight the pain every day. After all, I am Chronically Fabulous and I still wake up every morning.
6 Comments
I never thought this would be my life. I'm only 47 and pain has taken over my life. It's all I think about. It's how I plan my days, my hours, my minutes. I have to plan around my pain. It's not fair. I should be enjoying life. I should be having fun. I shouldn't be scared to make plans because of my pain.
Pain, chronic debilitating pain, is a tough journey to be on. It can be so lonely. I cry almost every day. This is my life. These are the cards I've been dealt. I want to do so many things. I want my dreams to come true, but they can't. I want to enjoy the things I used to do. Now, my dreams are no longer dreams. I live in a nightmare of pain. I cry alone in the bath. I scream out in pain daily. I try not to complain about my pain, but when my family and friends want us to make plans, I have to remind them, I'm not who I used to be. I used to love going to local fairs and events, going dancing, kayaking, going to concerts and walking on the boardwalk listening to local bands. I loved cooking and shopping. But, now pain controls everything. It sucks. I'm a control freak and I can't control this. I just pray that one day I'll find a doctor who will be my hero and help me to have more tolerable days of pain. I won't ever be cured and pain will always be a part of my life. I just want tolerable days so I can enjoy more things. I'm Chronically Fabulous and I'm praying for a hero. |