I'm just a ghost in this world, only a shell of who I used to be. I talk a lot about my chronic pain in my blog but rarely do I talk about my anxiety, panic attacks or depression.
Lately my anxiety has gotten the best of me. My depression has entangled me in a web of sticky, clinging strands that I can't escape from. It feels like a straight jacket of spider webs encasing me. The more I try to escape, to wriggle free from the trap, it gives the anxiety and panic attacks more ammunition to know I'm there stuck in its web and the 'spider' closes in on me waiting for me to collapse in fear. I feel like I'm drowning. It's like I'm trapped in an aquarium behind the glass and all I hear are the muffled sounds of life going on around me and no one can hear my cries for help. When the panic attacks hit, it's like I'm stuck on the train tracks and I can't move. I see the train rushing towards me but I'm frozen in fear, just waiting for the impending crash knowing I'll die when it runs me over. I used to enjoy life. I remember the times when my life was so carefree. I would go out dancing all night long. I loved dancing. There were summer nights when I'd go to the oceanfront and walk the boardwalk listening to the live bands play on the streets. I was so confident and didn't care what others thought of me. I'd go out by myself to a local bar just to watch the bands play and get out on the dance floor even if I was the only one dancing. There were days going to local fairs and amusement parks with rollercoaster rides. I'd get on the back of a motorcycle and ride like the wind. I'd take my kids to the beach and ride the waves on boogie-boards. We had so much fun. Then the days of anxiety, panic attacks and depression came in like huge rolling thunderstorms. I remember one day, heading to the beach in a convertible with the top down, my anxiety was so high and depression was so low. We had the kids in the back and it was a blue sky, sun shiny day. Then these words came out of my mouth without even thinking "Today would be a good day to die". I don't even know why I said it but the words just came out of mouth for everyone to hear. When my anxiety hits, it surrounds me in steel bars that I can't escape from. I reach my arms through the bars wanting to touch the life I used to have but it's out of reach. It's hard for others to understand and it makes me angry when they say "Just take a hot bath and you'll feel better". Well, they don't know that's my secret crying place. Some days I'll take 2 or 3 baths so I can let the tears flow. They think a cup of hot tea will help. Umm, WRONG, hot tea will not help me. My amazing, optimistic husband is the light through my dark clouds. He tries so hard to help me during my darkest days. He thinks I'm probably agoraphobic too. He does all the grocery shopping. I get so much anxiety going out. I don't want to run into people I knew before I became so sick. I don't want to talk to anyone. If we do go out, I get so anxious and so irritated that I say ugly things I don't even mean to say. If I see someone that I do know, then I'll turn around and hide behind a kiosk or some clothing. I spend my days in pajamas 24/7. I have more pj's than I do regular clothes. I rarely get dressed. There are days my anxiety is so bad that I've even cancelled doctors appointments because I just can't leave the house. Most days I don't even open the door to see if it's nice out. My skin rarely gets kissed by the sun. My one saving grace is my grandson. If he's over and I'm having a day of tolerable pain then we can venture out for a bit. He's like my invisible cloak and in my mind, all the attention will be towards him and not me. I'm just a ghost in this world, wandering around searching for the carefree soul I used to have. Most of my days are spent laying in the dark trying to force myself to sleep so I don't have to think about life, so I won't have anxiety but my mind wanders with crazy thoughts. Thoughts that any normal person wouldn't think of. Thoughts of irrational fears and worries. How can I escape this trap? Is there any hope for the carefree days that I used to have? I feel like my old carefree days were nothing but a dream and that dream has turned to dust. I'll never be that person again and it's not fair to my husband or my family. There is an old saying 'Her cheese done fell off her cracker', well, yep that's me lately. I feel all discombobulated. I just want more normal days. I want mores days of smiles and giggles and less days of fear, chronic pain, anxiety and depression. How do I escape this web I'm trapped in? Can someone stomp on that spider that keeps spinning webs around me? Can someone break me free from the bars that I'm trapped behind? I'm meant for a better life than this. I just don't know how much longer I can do it. Can someone break the glass on the aquarium that has me trapped inside? I feel like I'm drowning. I'm a ghost stuck in this anxious, debilitating world and praying I'll be able to live carefree again.
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I have a friend that visits me every day, her name is Dolor. There are days that Dolor visits me many times an hour. It's exhausting when she visits that much. Dolor is annoying. Sometimes, on rare occasions, Dolor will just visit a few times a day and those are the days I find to be more tolerable, but still twisted. She makes me cry. Dolor has stolen so much from me. I hate Dolor. Dolor lets me know I'm still alive. Without Dolor, I'd think I was dead. I haven't seen a day without Dolor in so long that I wouldn't know what living without her is like. I wouldn't know what a normal day is because Dolor has stolen 'normal' from me. Too often, Dolor kidnaps me and won't let me go, even though I pray and beg for mercy. Dolor steals my days, my hours, my minutes. She has stolen my dreams, my plans, my thoughts. I hate Dolor and I wish I could live without her. Dolor likes to play games. She makes me think I'm doing good and then BAM, she knocks me off my feet. She's kidnapped me from my life. Dolor creeps in like a nightmare, unwanted and uninvited. She doesn't even have the courtesy to ask permission to visit. I just want Dolor to go away, to just DIE; but if Dolor dies, does that mean I die too. I guess I'm stuck with Dolor and I'll never be able to unfriend her. Do you want to know who Dolor is? Dolor is the Spanish translation for pain and that's the name I've given to my chronic pain.
Awake and writing again. Either, I get no sleep and I'm up for days with just brief little naps. Or, its days of sleeping and sleeping and nothing I do can help me stay awake. There's no in between. I'm living in an upside down world. I'm living in the reflection behind the mirrored glass. There's no normal anymore. We are all mad around here. I just want to escape and have some normal days. This is my life of exhaustion, of pain and I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm blinded by my illnesses and pain. Can anyone hear me? I'm, Angela and I'm Chronically Fabulous and still fighting to have a few normal days. Can someone break that mirror and help me escape? Can someone turn me right side up, so I can escape the upside down world? My cries for help go unnoticed by most of my doctors. Only one has tried to help, but he can't do it all. I need more than one hero. Praying November gets here soon, so I can see my next potential hero. Well, I hope that he will be another true hero who listens and is willing to help. I feel like I'm running out of options.
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